Carrying on regardless (with apologies to the makers of “Carry On Regardless”)

Let us go about our duties as though a thousand useful years still lay before us.
—Edgar Rice Burroughs, A Princess of Mars (1912)

Even though nuclear destruction hangs over our heads, and even though I continue to fear for my employment and mental health, I’m determined to carry on living my life the way I want to live it — because I’ve spent too much of my life worrying, and frankly anxiety serves no useful purpose whatsoever.  Why live every day as though it’s your last, when you might have to live with the consequences?

Yeah, North Korea’s got nuclear weapons and is led by a fat pompous idiot who only cares about himself… exactly like the United States.  However, the world got through the Cold War relatively unscathed, and even though it got really close to a “Hot War” during the Cuban Missile Crisis, we’re here to talk about it — and so I have hope that we’ll get through this crisis as well, instead of descending into madness.  I’m certainly not gonna drink myself silly or give away all my earthly possessions in anticipation of armageddon; I’m gonna carry on living as though the future stretches ahead of me.

And similarly, I’m not going to worry about “boss lady” being back in the office tomorrow, as I don’t think I’ve done anything to warrant her wrath.  Oh, today I had a conversation that may have resulted in a complaint, but I certainly hope not — I wasn’t demanding the team that handles incoming calls start taking messages from the obvious salesmen who call up asking for named people in my team, instead of putting them straight through to us; I was simply discussing it with one of their team (coincidentally the one I was recently falsely accused of saying “go away” to), and another member of her team overheard and felt she had to “interject”, somewhat perturbed at the implication that they’re supposed to be PAs for everyone else in the organisation.

I hope I smoothed over that by agreeing with her, and showing I understood how overworked they are by all the incoming calls, meaning they don’t have time to talk to the obvious salesmen or take messages (since they’ll just call back anyway), but considering how complaints against me have started in the past, well…

However, at least some of those complaints about my apparent attitude could surely be explained away by my mental health issues — anxiety and mild panic attacks (at least I’ve never had a fugue… or at least, not that I remember), depression if I take ibuprofen for my headaches… and that damn “brain fuzz” that still afflicts me, even after raising my blood iron levels.  When it’s really bad, I can’t even understand what people are saying to me, no matter how familiar they are — it’s like they’re speaking a foreign language entirely!

I’m convinced it’s down to my neck and shoulder pains, triggered by neck movements (such as looking to the side), and a result of stress making me hunch my shoulders… but no lifestyle changes I’ve tried so far has made a difference, including not listening to Gwar on my headphones, not having espresso at work in the mornings, going to bed early instead of staying up to watch Family Guy (these early nights often just result in me waking up around 3am and not being able to get back to sleep for ages), which is why I’m feeling like I should stop worrying about them and carry on doing the things I’ve always enjoyed… though I’ll still follow through with seeing my quack, to arrange a liaison with a neurologist.

Mind you, I’ve got a couple of other thoughts about what gives me the dizzy spells, or at least exacerbates them: aspartame, for example — I had some Dr. Pepper today, and I feel like that led to a bout while I was helping someone at her desk (and couldn’t understand what she was saying to me).  There’s also been a gaping hole in our kitchen wall since just before my first serious set of “brain fuzz” attacks — thanks to British Gas, who never offered to fix it — and although this house tests negative for carbon monoxide, perhaps some other miasma is coming out of there.

(Another thing that happened the night before my first set of serious attacks was receiving a package from my American friend in Michigan, and I’ve heard about a certain virus going around there…)

One thing that isn’t helping is the fact that I’ve taken on the burden of collecting bill money from all my housemates, so I can pay our rent to the landlady, Council Tax to our corrupt Tory council, and other bills to the relevant fat cats.  However, this has also been stressful, as I reused my old Co-op Bank account, which I probably should have closed.  Remember my problems with them in 2016?  Somehow I hadn’t been overdrawn again since then (I honestly expected them to charge me some kind of fee without prior warning), and so I decided to get my housemates to pay their shares into this account, rather than my main one, so it would be easier to keep track of ins and outs.

However, after everyone had paid in their shares by Saturday (including “best mate”, before he left to go to Vietnam for the entire month), it took until Monday for our landlady to receive the rent amount; this was partly because they needed to phone me to confirm it wasn’t fraud, and I’d foolishly not updated my phone numbers (I think they were calling my old office in Camden!), but also, it would seem, partly because it was the weekend and so they wouldn’t process anything until Monday.

Fortunately our landlady came to accept this, even though she was nagging us to pay our rent on the 1st of the month, despite our housing contract stipulating the 3rd of the month!  However, judging from my Co-op Bank statement (as it’s stabilised today), they only processed a lot of things on Monday — and for some reason they debited my account by the rent amount before they credited it with two of my housemates’ rent amounts, thus meaning I was technically overdrawn, even if it was for a small amount of time!

If they even hint at charging me a fee for an “unauthorised overdraft”, I’ll go to the ombudsman — this isn’t comparable to the times in December 2015 that I wrongly took money out from cash machines that wasn’t in my Co-op account (I objected to the means by which they fined me, not being fined in and of itself); instead, this almost seems like they “mixed up” my credits and debit deliberately, so they make me be overdrawn and thus justify fining me!

I’m tired of worrying, so screw the Co-op if they try to rip me off, and screw my anxiety about facing discipline at work for emotional reactions I can’t control — I like my job and genuinely want to help the people I work with, but if that isn’t enough, well, I’ve had a good innings.  And if there’s some kind of tumour in my brain, or incipient epilepsy, or just plain ol’ stress headaches, well, I won’t let ’em make me live like some kind of timid health freak — I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, keeping fit while occasionally pigging out, and treating worry as the biggest health risk of all.

Above all, though: SCREW TRUMP AND KIM!!!  I’m not being cute, I genuinely hope both fall from power and leave their respective peoples to forge their own lives instead of living in fear and hatred.  Indeed, I’d love to see them settle their differences one-on-one while the real people of the world watch in delight (and only caring who wins in gambling terms), much as Frankie Goes To Hollywood once suggested to Reagan andChernenko in the 1980s…

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Clinging on

Maybe that’s why I feel so strange
Got it all, but I still won’t change
Maybe that’s why I can’t leave Detroit!
It’s the motivation that keeps me goin’!
This is the inspiration I need
I can never turn my back on the city that made me, and—
(Life’s been good to me, so far…)
—Eminem, “So Far…” (The Marshall Mathers LP 2, 2013)

Despite the concerns I expressed last time, I’m hopeful I won’t get fired, suspended, or reduced in pay grade as long as I keep my nose clean and stop myself from snapping at anyone — and this is essential, because without my current job, I can’t imagine remaining in London, something I definitely want to do.

I know I don’t get everything right, but enough people seem to like me at work that there would be serious repercussions if I were punished by “boss lady”.  That’s why, in my darkest moments, I’ve contemplated offering to hand in my resignation on the grounds that I allegedly have to return to Worthing, to take care of my folks, as a compromise to her firing me — the benefit to her being that I’d be seen to leave of my own accord, and so she wouldn’t get blamed for firing me by all the staff members who are so fond of me that they open their helpdesk tickets with “Dear David”.

However, I’d much rather not have to go through with that at all, and stay in my job for as long as possible, paying my rent right here and not having to worry, controlling my emotions and making it clear to the users that I like each and every one of them, and am doing my best to help them.

(A better solution might be to promote me to Level 2 tech, where I’d have much less interaction with staff than Level 1, seeing as (a) I’m likely to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and (b) human contact is what’s been stressing me out!)

As I’ve doubtless said many times since starting this blog, I’m getting better all the time — and I feel I owe it to this damned city, hence why I want to remain in London for as long as possible.  It’s partly for social reasons (who’d I hang out with in Worthing?!), partly to keep my family at a respectful distance (who’d date me if I lived with my mother?!), and partly because this is my life now: one reason I was hesitant for my American “second family” to work on getting me a green card was that I’ve made a go of things at last, right here, where I used to feel such despair — a good wage, a good career, and even a half-decent commute!

I’ve also grown tougher and more responsible, believe it or not: I’ve offered to take on the responsibility of managing our household bills, such as rent (since “drummer-trucker” moved out), using an old bank account to gather the money together, instead of letting someone else worry about it.  Somehow I doubt this would have happened if I was living in Worthing with my folks, probably getting lazier and less ambitious by the day.

This is what happens when you take acupuncture too far… what, too obvious?

I thus need to overcome my stress-related aches and pains, so I can focus on my day-to-day life and make the most of living here, instead of getting into a self-reinforcing stress spiral, stressing about the aches and pains both increased by and increasing my stress levels, rather than giving up, returning to Worthing and “not caring” any more.

I made a start by seeing my old yoga teacher, on one of his rare visits to London, for a bit of acupuncture.  This actually helped me feel rather better, at least for one night, and while it’s clear I still need some kind of proper massage to get over my neck-and-shoulder aches and pains, I can recommend getting pins stuck in you by an expert (as long as it’s someone you trust) — even if it’s quackery, it’s the thought that counts.

He also gave me advice on reducing my stimulation level… no, wash your minds out, he’s just concerned that I spend my entire waking time listening to music, reading books, playing video games and watching TV, none of which are actually “restful” activities, even if I’m sitting still for the duration!  My brain needs a proper rest, and it won’t get that unless I slow things down and do less intense stuff.

(On that basis, I wish I’d taken the time to sit out in the sunshine during the Bank Holiday weekend, thinking of nothing in particular!)

Having said that, I’ve bought some softer pillows than the ones I got earlier this year (and also 1/12th the price of those damn things!), as well as massaging my own neck (the most probably source of the dizziness) as a stopgap solution, and these seem to be helping: although I still feel weird now and then (always as a prelude to a dull headache), I seldom have all-out bursts of memory-related static going off in my brain, and can thus maintain adequate face-to-face contact with my fellow human beings.

On the other hand, the hot weather over the weekend seems to have disturbed my sleep pattern all over again: as in July, sometimes I find myself waking about four hours after I fell asleep, unable to get off again and getting agitated as a result.  Despite the advice I’ve received, this can happen even when I’ve had dinner earlier than usual (and no caffeine), with a banana for dessert instead of chocolate (indeed, having chocolate ice cream during the Bank Holiday weekend seemed to help me get a good night’s sleep!), and gone to bed a full eight hours before my morning alarm time.

Of course, it’s partly because I’ve been using Fitbit for ages now: the device I bought earlier this year gives a rather detailed estimation of my sleeping patterns, which just gets me worried.  This kind of thing never seemed to bother me back when I used to stay up until 1am watching Family Guy, and then wake up with enough energy the following morning to make lunch before setting off for work…

Ah, to be in my, er, mid-thirties again!

It’s all happening again

Is the Faceman failing again?

Every time I feel confident that my life’s getting better, it seems something goes horribly wrong — or rather, several things at once, just as I’m approaching my second anniversary in the job I supposedly love.

I’m still getting headaches, and while the dizzy spells have largely (but by no means entirely) retreated, I’m still worried about my health — for example, the fact that for no apparent reason I can wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep.  This happened last night, and I felt a great depression come over me, almost wanting to give up on London entirely and go back to live in Worthing (yikes!).  This was at least partly thanks to taking ibuprofen to combat the pain, and as you will remember, I’ve experienced this before, and know not to do anything “drastic” (aside from cursing), because the feeling will pass.

I still felt miserable when I managed to drag myself to work, having made several mistakes this week, and feeling like I was letting down senpai (the guy I look up to, for those of you who Nihongo o hanasenai).  I was genuinely unhappy in the office, rather than my usual helpful, chipper self, and at one point experienced nostalgia by sitting alone in a small room, almost crying.  However, that turned out to be cathartic (as in the subtitle of this blog), and from that point on I actually felt a lot more cheerful, and found myself more than willing to help people…

Right up to the point that “boss lady” took me into a side office for a talking-to, just like in mid-January 2016.

Yes, folks, it seems I’ve had complaints all over again, and have one more chance to sort things out — the difference from a year and a half ago being that this time I’m permanent staff, rather than an ex-temp now going through six-month probation, and feel like I’ve earned my job and so shouldn’t be on a knife-edge.  It doesn’t feel any less dangerous, even though they’d have a harder time getting rid of me entirely now than they would have done back then.  I guess I should have realised that she wasn’t just trying to keep me on the straight and narrow before, she was genuinely unhappy with my behaviour, and it’s all come to a head now.

Needless to say, this has increased my stress levels again, and brought back anxiety to accompany my depression — as you would imagine, anxiety and depression together make a horrible mixture.  Thus, the stress I’ve been under, and the headaches and dizzy spells as side effects, has created a whole new reason to be stressed — but I daren’t take any more ibuprofen to combat the headaches, as it definitely brings my mood down and thus makes it harder for me to interact cheerfully with the users, thus exacerbating the problem.

Unfortunately she was unsympathetic to my situation, saying that I need to either manage this stress and remain perfectly polite to the users, or find a whole new line of work… it’s like it doesn’t matter how much good work I’ve done, or that she hasn’t had to talk to me like this for eighteen months, a couple of mistakes can bring everything down!

It sucks being back in this situation, but two things keep me going.  Firstly, I got through this back in 2016, and recognise that it’s only since I came back from holiday that these things have been happening all over again; it’s a difficult spiral to break out of, but if I can conquer my resurgent depression and/or anxiety, or at least make sure to get a good night’s sleep, I’ll be better able to interact with others.  Secondly, senpai is largely on my side here, and thinks that “boss lady” was out of line threatening me with “disciplinary procedures”, because although he knew I still had problems sometimes, we’re better off correcting each other as-and-when, instead of amassing evidence like this… and in any case, he agreed that she was unreasonable taking me to task over bantering with the bloke at reception via phone!

(Not to mention, she believed a lady upstairs who claimed I’d told her to “go away” and held up my hand, when this was blatant exaggeration — I’d just said I was very busy, and if anything had an anxiety attack, as she’d hemmed me in at my desk!)

Furthermore, although “boss lady” wants me to ask my team for help more readily, rather than rushing off trying to help users myself and making us all look “incompetent” by not knowing things (like the fact that one team had bought their own iPads while I was away), senpai reckons I’m not being supported properly by one particular member of our team, a gent he’s very annoyed with at the moment for palming off jobs to others, and making system changes without telling the rest of us.  Sad thing is, I like that guy too, and at least some of the time find him useful and helpful, but I’ve been told that “boss lady” likes him a bit too much, and refuses to see his flaws… damn, what do I have to do to get that kind of quasi-nepotism?!

I just have to hope I can cope with feeling this way all over again, and that I can keep my head together (despite the occasional dizzy spells) and win back the users I’ve offended, at least to “boss lady’s” approval.  I guess I should never imagine I’ve won her over again, and always keep one eye on her.  2017 comes three years after 2014 and 2011, both years in which I suffered during the autumn and winter months and, at times, wished it would all end; I don’t want that three-year cycle to be repeated, or for my 40th birthday to signal the start of bad times, like my 34th and 37th (and, to some extent, my 31st).

On that basis, only if I’m still in my job and earning the UK average wage by my birthday in October, will I even think of building a better PC!

— — —

P.S. I know many think of it as quackery, but my old yoga teacher (back in the country briefly) is planning to give me an acupuncture session, as he’s good at curing stress headaches — so, if I can make it to the weekend…

P.P.S. Maybe, just maybe, I should let my “second family” in Michigan sponsor me for a green card after all, even if the USA is an increasingly right-wing country these days!

Even more normal… or not?

Despite the problems I still have, I’m getting my life even more back to normal than last time — indeed, better than ever, because I’ve reinstated some aspects I’d lost… mainly centred around food, one of the most important reasons we’re alive, and one of the most important reasons to be alive.

For a long time, I stopped making my own sandwiches (or rolls) for lunch, due to having so much trouble getting up in the mornings (and not wanting to take time to do it the night before), thanks to “drummer-trucker” ruining my sleeping patterns.  Now that he’s out of my life forever (and his replacement’s nice and quiet), I’m right back to making sarnies before work, assuming I’ve got the bread and it hasn’t gone off!

Even though I’m earning more, it’s still sensible to bring your own lunch to work rather than buy from an expensive place like Pret A Manger (where I work is too posh to have something as base as a Subway nearby), and moreover, you can decide what you have.  On that basis, although sometimes I have cheese rolls into which I can spread (plug alert) Marmite at my desk, I’m actually buying rocket salad and making more interesting sarnies, involving fake meat slices and mayo — or, if I’ve got time to fry fake bacon (“facon”), the vegetarian equivalent of a BLT!

(Okay, “facon” plus rocket plus tomato, shall we call it… FaRT?  No?  Oh, please yourselves!)

Tomatoes are a big restoration for me, as (judging from my budgeting spreadsheet) I hadn’t bought them since 2015, not long after I started my current job!  Not even to go in the vegetarian burgers I’ve still been making (especially after personal training), as they were just too much trouble in terms of slicing them (not to mention my fingers!) and disposing of the end pieces — I’ve got a nice jagged knife that makes the slicing easier, and I’m disciplined enough to use them up before they go off.  I used to slice chillies and put them in my double-decker quasi-Big Macs, but there’s no reason I can’t have both, is there?

And speaking of chillies, I’ve managed to get back to “proper” cooking again, instead of a combination of eating out and heating stuff up in the oven: not only spag-bol (made with fake mincemeat) and Chinese noodles with sliced pepper and garlic cloves (and fake meat pieces), but a recipe I got out of a cook book given to me ten years ago by “other female best friend”, involving a single red chilli, two diced red peppers and 100g of cashews, fried and mixed with a thickener made from corn flour and soy sauce, salted and served with rice.  I hadn’t done that since February, and it’s good to be cooking properly again, instead of doing what’s convenient!  And cooking like this also frequently gives me the opportunity to season with yeast flakes, recommended a long time ago by my personal trainer as an aid to weight loss.

One aspect of my life I’m trying to stop from reverting to normal is sleep: I’m aiming to get my head down tonight by 11pm, well before midnight, rather than staying up late to watch Family Guy.  This is in the hope that it’ll stop something else, the “brain fuzz” I’ve been getting since last December, from becoming a normal feature of my days; it seems to be a side effect of headaches, which are almost certainly being caused by stress, which is exacerbated by not sleeping properly.  Now that I’m finally over my jet lag (which, alas, I wasn’t last time I said so — that very night I woke up after an hour and couldn’t get back to sleep!), I’m getting up to seven hours a night, which while not exactly the recommended eight, is way better than the five-hours-something I was getting most nights before.

(Source: Fitbit, which isn’t exactly renouned for its accuracy!)

And similarly, I think I’m finally doing away with one thing I’d sadly been getting used to at work: feeling anxious about my job.  I feel like I’m doing well, keeping things running and being relied upon so much that people often send their helpdesk tickets with my name on them (!); my boss, $DEITY bless ‘er, even gives me pointers for improvement instead of telling me off (or worse, taking me aside).  I do seem to be making a habit of remoting onto my work PC from home in order to finish off tasks (such as updates on other people’s PCs) that I wasn’t able to do during the working day, and perhaps that ain’t healthy in terms of work/life balance, but screw it, it’s my jerrrb!

Unfortunately, one thing that’s been perfectly normal for me, and indeed healthy, has become impossible lately: running up and down the stairs at work to visit people on adjacent floors, due to a long-overdue repainting of the stairwell.  No way in hell am I going to try it when the painters have covers on the stairs themselves (I may not have the same phobia of slipping as my mother, but after what happened to me last year, I’m taking no chances), and so I’ve had to do the most unhealthy thing in the universe… take the lift, even for just one floor!

(P.S. Thanks to you guys, I’m up past eleven anyway… hope you appreciate my suffering!)

Back to normal…?

The good news is that I seem to be over my jet lag at long last, and am no longer lying hopelessly awake in the middle of the night (after having initially gone to sleep without issue).  Why, Fitbit thinks I’m getting nearly seven hours a night… and yes, I know a strap on my wrist trying to measure my pulse rate is somewhere between BMI and phrenology in terms of medical quackery, but still, it’s good to know.  Of course, the nights not being so sweltering has also helped…

The bad news is I still get dizzy spells, “brain fog” or whatever the buzzword is, and it still seems to be related to headaches, especially a dull ache at the back of the head and neck.  This is still going on even though I’ve been taking iron tablets (in August I’ll have a blood test to determine if this has been any use at all) and feeling less stressed at home, though it may also have been the after-effects of my jet lag, and the stress of travelling to and from America… not to mention the stress of travelling right here in London.  Could it be having loud rumbling pumped into my ears for long periods of time?

(And no, I haven’t had Gwar on shuffle for weeks, so leave them Scumdogs alone!)

Other aspects of my life seem to be returning to their previous situations: I’m happy at work (aside from when I’ve been taking ibuprofen to deal with pain — as in 2015, it seems to bring about depression), and while I’m still terminally single, at least I’m making connections and organising dates again.  Whether this will continue once my age in dating apps no longer starts with a 3 remains to be seen… but since “best mate” has a friend in his 40s who is seeing a girl in her 20s, maybe I just need to remain confident and not give up hope.

I’ve also restored one aspect of my life to pre-holiday levels, but you’ll think this is a really contrived talking point: my backpack.  The one I used to use, my mother handed down to me in 2009, and I’d used it happily since then (I think I even took it to America in 2013!), but it was getting old and worn, and so — as you will recall — I got a “better” one a few weeks ago… and almost lost my USB thumbdrive out of it.  I’ve been using it since then, but found it to be very tedious to take off and put on, not to mention having two drawstrings to keep the main part of it closed, and so now, with Mumsy’s assistance, I’ve bought a more normal “day” one, not unlike the original, which is more comfortable to wear, and less likely to bump into people on the Tube.

Another item I’ve had to replace was my TV set, because… well, let’s just say there was a collision, resulting not in fractured glass but messed-up pixels.  It seems I never really conquered my anger after all, but the replacement, while more expensive than I would have liked, is better in almost every way than the one it replaced: true 1080p, richer sound (and the volume doesn’t need to be turned down when I use my Wii), bigger screen size… but it doesn’t swivel on its base (and neither do any modern TVs, by the look of it), so I’ll need an alternative solution.  The important thing is, I can once again watch TV without seeing the outcome of my momentary fury!

One aspect of my life that I really wish wasn’t reverting is my weight: I’m back over 13 stone, despite having been below since 2013.  Admittedly it’s partly down to eating toast as an addition to breakfast, rather than a replacement (I was trying to use up some bread that “best mate” had left behind), but it was so much easier to lose weight when I was younger, even though I was eating Greek yoghurt with Nutella for dessert every night!  Still, on the plus side I’m well and truly back to my previous level when it comes to climbing… though fitting my gear into this new bag is already proving problematic — so, as with the TV, I’ll have to rack my (foggy) brain for a solution.

Which I won’t be able to do if you’re keeping me awake, so please do let me get some sleep — it’s getting on for midnight!

When you can’t help your friends

I’ve always wanted to be heroic, so it’s got me down that two of my closest friends are suffering at the moment, and I don’t know what, if anything, I can do to help them beyond maintaining the friendship and listening to their woes — and I’m not having such a great time at the moment either, despite recent improvements…

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it much here, but my friend in Michigan — the younger brother of my roommate when I was at UMich in 1998-9 — is mildly handicapped (cerebral palsey).  For years this has made him a “big kid”, which meant I got on with him as I was still into Transformers as well… but lately, he’s become problematic.  Weight training and taking part in bodybuilding shows has made him happy since 2003, but due to recent joint pain, he’s been unable to do either lately, and while I was visiting him in late June and early July (originally planned to coincide with one of his shows), it became clear that he’s becoming… childish and petulant.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with him collecting comics and watching Sesame Street clips on YouTube (hey, how could I when I do similar myself?), and I try not to get annoyed at his tendency to repeat the same conversations over and over again, as I know he can’t help it.  No, my concern is the way he interacts with his parents these days, disdaining the food they cook, treating them like a bank, and even still holding a grudge against his father for preventing him attending a karate event back in, er, the mid-1990s.  He genuinely seems to have a problem with them, even though they do their best to take care of him — but he denies being childish: that’d mean calling his mother a “great big poopy-head”, and he’s much more mature, calling her a “pointy-nosed bitch” instead!

His parents, who are glad that I consider them “America’s real first family”, have actually put forward a proposal: they want to sponsor me for a US green card, so I could come over and live there, as my friend’s housemate, thus enabling him finally to move out of the family home where he’s lived his entire life (aside from a year or so he was married to a similarly-handicapped girl, which ended badly).  A few years ago I’d have jumped at the mere suggestion, but now I’ve got a good life here in London, would I really want to leave it all behind — and would it help my friend, seeing as he doesn’t want to move out of that house (hence why he and his folks didn’t migrate to Washington state in 2014 as planned)?

There seemed to be nothing I could do during my two weeks to encourage him to change his attitude, but I suspect his parents know this, and just want me to carry on being his friend, at least for now.  Perhaps they’re already aware of how he feels about them, though they also seem to realise it’s variable, and some days he’s perfectly amiable.  At the very least, I might have finally convinced him to go see a doctor about his joint pains, in the hope that he can be helped, and thus be able to resume his visits to the gym, with a view to being in a bodybuilding show later in the year.

The other person I can’t help is, of course, “best mate”, who’s been my friend since late 2012 and my housemate since early 2015.  He’s still working for his brother in construction, and still being taken for granted, sent to far-flung parts of Britain at short notice because all his brother’s other workers have families (apparently being single means you have no right to a weekend, or even any time off at all?), and this can happen even when he’s organised a holiday and needs to catch a flight!  This was tried (unsuccessfully) last year when he was about to fly to Japan, and this year he was forced to give up his flight back to his native Ireland; $DEITY help us all in September, when he’s planning to visit Vietnam…

Again, there’s nothing I can do to change this guy’s life — I can’t employ him myself, and while he’s certainly willing to take a crash course in something and aim for a steadier job than construction (which by its very nature is always temporary), being motivated to actually do so is very difficult when he’s exhausted after spending the week in Somerset… and that’s nowhere near as bad as it’s been earlier this year, and back in 2016.  It’s also destroyed his social life, leaving him no longer going to raves — if he’d outgrown them, fine, but he misses partying, and is so desperate for human contact that he’s hinted at hiring an escort!

As with my American friend, I suppose all I can do is listen to his complaints about his life situation, without being judgmental, and support him with whatever decision he makes, even if it’s to go back to Ireland and give up on living in London entirely (since he’s paying rent but seldom actually sleeping here).  However, I’m still recovering from jet lag following my holiday, and much as in Michigan, and indeed before I left, I’m sleeping badly every night (sometimes I have to lie awake doing magazine puzzles), so what good am I to either friend until I remove the beam from my own eye?  I need to fix myself up so I’m no longer having those dizzy spells (which feel like my brain is trying to dream even though I’m awake at the time — is it insomnia?), otherwise I’m in as much need of help as they are.

On that topic, I’m going to sleep early on a Sunday night for once, in the hope that even if I wake up again during the night, I’ll still get enough sleep overall (or at least be told so by Fitbit) that I won’t be in a state tomorrow.  Of course, it’d help if it wasn’t so hot in my room… but hey, it’s better than the cold — and at least that troublesome housemate’s gone at last!

Recovering from a holiday

Well, belatedly I’m back on my blog, a few days after returning to Blighty, and it’s clear I’m not relaxed or destressed, or even well rested, to the point that I may need more time off work just to recover from the time off I’ve already had!

Indeed, I wonder if I’ll have time to marshal my thoughts tonight, as I really need to sleep and make up for barely sleeping at all last night — and that was after resting well over the weekend, having landed on Thursday morning.

To summarise, I’ve been sleeping erratically for the last few weeks, and that’s down to several factors:

  • Being awoken nearly every morning by my former housemate (“drummer-trucker”), and getting stressed at the necessity of trying to avoid him around the house;
  • The inevitable problem of trying to sleep on a plane, either westbound or eastbound, during my holiday — one way I had extra hours to live through, the other way was overnight, and thus it was a new day when I landed;
  • My American friend is going through a bad patch in his life, and getting antagonistic towards his parents, despite my efforts to help him behave more maturely (I’ll go into detail in a later post), leading to further stress and fretting on my part;
  • Sleeping is hard when it’s hot in the room (there’s been heatwaves in London and Michigan), and the available air conditioning (a machine in America, a fan and an open window here) is too noisy to use for any length of time;
  • I bought expensive new pillows earlier this year for my room, and am regretting it due to how hard they are on the back of my head, and how thin the soft pillows I put on top have become.

I’m still getting dizzy spells, due to a combination of sleep deprivation, stress and head/neck pain, and my quack’s been no real help beyond encouraging me to arrange another blood test, after having taken iron tablets for a couple of months (including while I was in America).  She wants me to see a neurologist, and hopefully that’ll be all I need, as I dread the prospect of it being something worse, the kind of thing that’d need an X-ray to uncover…

Fortunately, there are a few mitigating circumstances: “drummer-trucker” has moved out for good, and his replacement is perfectly nice and not someone I need to avoid; “best mate” has sorted out our flaky Internet connection, so I can work from home if necessary; and, while my computer was crashing repeatedly on my first day back (to the point that even rotating photos I’d taken on holiday led to a “blue screen of death”!), it’s decided to behave itself since then, perhaps due to the weather cooling slightly (and me turning off overclocking).

Also, while I was in Michigan, I at least managed to relax most days, sitting outside in the hot weather while reading A Game of Thrones (and building a Lego Millennium Falcon in my room), and getting through the security checks on the way in proved to have been a lot of worry about nothing, at least for now!  I took my own lousy phone with me just in case they were in a confiscationary mood, but now I’ve got my superior work phone back in hand again, and can thus hunt for Pokémon without waiting ten minutes for 3G to start working.  Being back at work was tiring, but didn’t require any special efforts from me, and I was glad to be back, even though I had to leave early due to fatigue.

I’d better go soon, and try to get a good night’s sleep once my hair dries after my shower; I’m still taking “sleep aid” tablets (as I was in Michigan, as well as before I went), in the hope that I won’t repeat last night’s events: dropping off nicely, only to reawaken after 1am for no apparent reason, unable to get back to sleep!  Perhaps my issues are down to adrenal overproduction…?