Maybe that’s why I feel so strange
Got it all, but I still won’t change
Maybe that’s why I can’t leave Detroit!
It’s the motivation that keeps me goin’!
This is the inspiration I need
I can never turn my back on the city that made me, and—
(Life’s been good to me, so far…)
—Eminem, “So Far…” (The Marshall Mathers LP 2, 2013)
Despite the concerns I expressed last time, I’m hopeful I won’t get fired, suspended, or reduced in pay grade as long as I keep my nose clean and stop myself from snapping at anyone — and this is essential, because without my current job, I can’t imagine remaining in London, something I definitely want to do.
I know I don’t get everything right, but enough people seem to like me at work that there would be serious repercussions if I were punished by “boss lady”. That’s why, in my darkest moments, I’ve contemplated offering to hand in my resignation on the grounds that I allegedly have to return to Worthing, to take care of my folks, as a compromise to her firing me — the benefit to her being that I’d be seen to leave of my own accord, and so she wouldn’t get blamed for firing me by all the staff members who are so fond of me that they open their helpdesk tickets with “Dear David”.
However, I’d much rather not have to go through with that at all, and stay in my job for as long as possible, paying my rent right here and not having to worry, controlling my emotions and making it clear to the users that I like each and every one of them, and am doing my best to help them.
(A better solution might be to promote me to Level 2 tech, where I’d have much less interaction with staff than Level 1, seeing as (a) I’m likely to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and (b) human contact is what’s been stressing me out!)
As I’ve doubtless said many times since starting this blog, I’m getting better all the time — and I feel I owe it to this damned city, hence why I want to remain in London for as long as possible. It’s partly for social reasons (who’d I hang out with in Worthing?!), partly to keep my family at a respectful distance (who’d date me if I lived with my mother?!), and partly because this is my life now: one reason I was hesitant for my American “second family” to work on getting me a green card was that I’ve made a go of things at last, right here, where I used to feel such despair — a good wage, a good career, and even a half-decent commute!
I’ve also grown tougher and more responsible, believe it or not: I’ve offered to take on the responsibility of managing our household bills, such as rent (since “drummer-trucker” moved out), using an old bank account to gather the money together, instead of letting someone else worry about it. Somehow I doubt this would have happened if I was living in Worthing with my folks, probably getting lazier and less ambitious by the day.
I thus need to overcome my stress-related aches and pains, so I can focus on my day-to-day life and make the most of living here, instead of getting into a self-reinforcing stress spiral, stressing about the aches and pains both increased by and increasing my stress levels, rather than giving up, returning to Worthing and “not caring” any more.
I made a start by seeing my old yoga teacher, on one of his rare visits to London, for a bit of acupuncture. This actually helped me feel rather better, at least for one night, and while it’s clear I still need some kind of proper massage to get over my neck-and-shoulder aches and pains, I can recommend getting pins stuck in you by an expert (as long as it’s someone you trust) — even if it’s quackery, it’s the thought that counts.
He also gave me advice on reducing my stimulation level… no, wash your minds out, he’s just concerned that I spend my entire waking time listening to music, reading books, playing video games and watching TV, none of which are actually “restful” activities, even if I’m sitting still for the duration! My brain needs a proper rest, and it won’t get that unless I slow things down and do less intense stuff.
(On that basis, I wish I’d taken the time to sit out in the sunshine during the Bank Holiday weekend, thinking of nothing in particular!)
Having said that, I’ve bought some softer pillows than the ones I got earlier this year (and also 1/12th the price of those damn things!), as well as massaging my own neck (the most probably source of the dizziness) as a stopgap solution, and these seem to be helping: although I still feel weird now and then (always as a prelude to a dull headache), I seldom have all-out bursts of memory-related static going off in my brain, and can thus maintain adequate face-to-face contact with my fellow human beings.
On the other hand, the hot weather over the weekend seems to have disturbed my sleep pattern all over again: as in July, sometimes I find myself waking about four hours after I fell asleep, unable to get off again and getting agitated as a result. Despite the advice I’ve received, this can happen even when I’ve had dinner earlier than usual (and no caffeine), with a banana for dessert instead of chocolate (indeed, having chocolate ice cream during the Bank Holiday weekend seemed to help me get a good night’s sleep!), and gone to bed a full eight hours before my morning alarm time.
Of course, it’s partly because I’ve been using Fitbit for ages now: the device I bought earlier this year gives a rather detailed estimation of my sleeping patterns, which just gets me worried. This kind of thing never seemed to bother me back when I used to stay up until 1am watching Family Guy, and then wake up with enough energy the following morning to make lunch before setting off for work…
Ah, to be in my, er, mid-thirties again!