I’m knackered this evening, and while it’s because I’ve been self-torturing at the gym (in the absence of my personal trainer on Friday), the fact that I almost didn’t go, coming up with all sorts of excuses such as the Northern Line being shut and the aching shoulder I was suffering from last week, proves I’m dealing with a different kind of exhaustion these days.
I know recently I said the reason I wasn’t going out so much, to climb at the Castle (except at weekends or when “best mate” meets me there), or to meetup groups (I haven’t found a yoga class to replace the one my friend was running), was that I was trying to save money by avoiding having to eat out between work and the event. Well, that too was an excuse: a good one, I admit, seeing as eating out is expensive (Nando’s is about as cheap and convenient as they come, since there’s no way I’ll go into a Subway again if they’re going to insult me), but still not the full explanation.
No, the real reason I’m not going out much these days is simply that I’m exhausted — emotionally rather than physically, as my entire job involves interacting with people all day long. I enjoy my job, of course (and if I say that enough times you might believe it, right?), but it takes a lot out of me, and all too often I just want to go home and relax (and thus play video games) rather than continue interacting with people when I’m not getting paid to do so.
It’s bad enough on the Tube and in Tesco, where I don’t interact with most of them anyway (but still have to tolerate their existence); actually having to meet people face to face, and talk to them and be nice to them… ugh, too much effort. It also doesn’t help that it’s usually around 6pm by the time I get home, so unless I do literally nothing other than change clothes and eat a snack, I can’t get back out again in time to do anything — which means I have to stay out (and eat out) for the entire evening if I do something, and this just builds my resentment against social activities, like they’re some kind of onerous obligation.
I have to emphasise that don’t want this situation to continue — I want to get back into enjoying other people’s company and making new friends, and being “out there”. After my Japanese classes ended in early 2011, I spent the rest of that year descending into depression, having no real social outlet other than my housemates (one of whom I couldn’t stand), and very occasional meetings with “female best friend” (who by then was already in the relationship that’s since led to marriage, motherhood and, recently, life in Norway!).
Let my blog be my bond: I WILL go out this week, even if all I do is climb at the Castle on Tuesday evening! Maybe I’ll drag myself to the Science Museum on Wednesday for their monthly “late” as well, and in return, I’ll rest after work on Monday and Thursday (since my personal trainer will be back on Friday to torture me). After all, my grandmother’s gifted me £100, so I might as well cut loose and enjoy myself by eating out now and then… but not every night, of course.
Oh wait — the weather’s going to be miserable over the next few days, a cold front wiping out the pleasant climate we experienced last week… as if I need another excuse to run home after work and shelter from the outside world!