Hello again, and happy 2015 if it’s come to pass by the time you read this dreck. While I wish I could be ending 2014 on as positive a note as I did last year, the fact is, I’m still alive after a dreadful couple of months, and staying with my mother and grandmother has enabled me to feel, if not 100%, certainly better than those dark, anxious days. I’m even finding it easier getting up in the mornings (partly thanks to a SAD light), and sleeping more or less comfortably, perhaps because I’m well-fed and don’t need to spend too much of my own money.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in 2015, and indeed I’m not really looking forward (for the first time ever!) to going back to London after the New Year. I hope this is just the anxiety talking, and that once I’m back everything will fall into place, I’ll get interviewed for a half-decent IT job (and if necessary work in a temp admin job in the interim), begin earning money in a job with prospects that teaches me stuff I actually want to know, pass my remaining IT exams, seduce a veritable harem of college girls who will satisfy my every… er… sorry, got a bit caught up in things there, but you get the general idea.
I’ve definitely got to conquer my anxiety once and for all — I know, old Dave-ros is repeating himself yet again, blah blah cut it out like a tumour, grumble grumble stopping me climbing 12m walls, moan moan nothing good about my last job, and all that, but I can’t let the last couple of months be for nothing. As I said before (in 2013, so it’s not something profound from this year), working in IT and finding a woman seem to be related concepts for me — and in both cases I have to know what I want and search for the right one, rather than jump into something convenient out of desperation.
(And I can study both on the Internet… what? Oh, er, I meant visiting pick-up artist sites for tips and advice, not what you’re thinking!)
Rather than a bulleted list of things I aspire to do in the year ahead (since I only achieved around 50% of the last set, and sadly not no.1), I’m only going to say that in 2015 I fully intend to get control of my life and emotions, and stamp down on my anxiety like the festering cockroach it is. I will become confident and self-assured, and from this all things will come: an IT career, a girlfriend (or six), a driving licence, a new life… and then we can work on getting a house in Surrey (or Hertfordshire), from which I can commute to my dream job, and where my mother can live with me until she finds a decent job that isn’t in Sussex and thus doesn’t completely suck, and find a place to rent (because she needs her own space, and I certainly don’t want her getting in the way if I really do amass a harem!).
And that’s the real endgame: I want to rescue my mother from the dreadful Worthing area, where she can only get jobs she hates with people who treat her badly (from what she’s told me, I was lucky to only have to put up with the annoying woman when I worked at Camden!). Sadly, it may not be possible to do anything of the sort until my grandmother shuffles off this mortal coil, but this is an inevitability anyway. She’s had a good innings and we’ve made the most of her over the past few years; I will be sad to see her go, but I would not be able to continue if my mother went first, so preserving Mumsy’s remaining sanity has become one of my goals.
However, it’s not just mental health I’m trying to sort out: in 2015 I will stay healthy physically, even if I can’t see my personal trainer until I’ve landed a new job and feel I can stably remain in London (at least for five weeks, since I pay him for five sessions). If I only succeeded in one of my ten 2014 aims, it was to get buff — and while I’ve been putting on a bit of weight this past week, that’s only reversed the drastic weight loss I experienced during my bad job and post-bad job anxiety. Call it controlled comfort eating, but I’d rather be slightly overweight and happy than my “ideal weight” and constantly nervous — and I’m not overweight, I’m still only around 12 stone!
Still, if the worst comes to the worst and London spits me out, at least my mother has taken me to a half-decent gym here in Worthing, where I’ve proven to myself that I’ve still “got it”. I haven’t done much exercise during the Christmas break, but what I’ve done, I’ve done well and impressed people (though obviously anything my mother says is utterly biased). Obviously I’d rather stay in London and continue going to the Castle, and indeed continue seeing the exact same personal trainer (is it the torture equivalent of Stockholm syndrome?), but it’s always good to have backup plans — if only to remove desperation, which would jeopardise my chances of achieving plan A anyway.
I’ve had such a nice time staying with my folks that it seems a shame to leave — but hey, as long as I’m back before Monday (when I have to go to the job centre in Finchley), it doesn’t matter when I go back, does it? Here’s to a few more relaxing days of lying in without feeling guilty, having all my meals made for me, going for walks by the seafront and petting dogs, replaying the original Half-Life (hooray for Steam sales), drinking cider and taking hot baths instead of showers…
Dave-ros will live again in 2015, but for now he’s hibernating!