Into darkness?

lonely_shinji

At least watching Futurama on the Tube cheers me up

It’s a week after America smashed all expectations and elected an idiot to the White House who wasn’t related to a previous idiot, and who is such an idiot that he needs the help of his charismatic predecessor to figure out what he’s actually supposed to do.  Racist and homophobic attacks are up, just like they were here after the Brexit vote, and the other side appear to be no better, rioting as they apparently are.

On this side of the Atlantic, things aren’t much better: claims by our own incoming leader May (certainly not PM elect, though) that she’d support hard-working people and the disabled turn out to have been an outright lie, as working families will now get less help, apparently their own fault for having chosen to have kids without being rich enough to weather a recession, and disabled people will still have to prove they’re still disabled regularly (even if they have terminal conditions), and will lose everything if they make the slightest mistake (almost as though the bureaucrats are waiting for any excuse).

And meanwhile, in my own life, just when everything seemed to be going okay, and even my boss reckons I’m doing fine in my job (on the grounds that if I did something wrong, she wouldn’t wait for our annual meeting to let me know about it), along comes my landlady to hike up our rent 10%, with no guarantee that she won’t do the same thing next year, “depending on the market”; in other words, she’s doing it because she can, not because it somehow became 10% more expensive to be our landlady.  So that’ll be an extra £50 per month for nothing whatsoever… so much for my efforts to save!

I can’t ask my folks back in Worthing for any significant help, because my mother’s had to stop working in order to care for my ailing grandmother full-time — and I can’t move them up here to Greater London in order to rescue them from that dismal place, so if something goes wrong here, I’ll end up having to go back there, probably forever (I’ve decided that if I ever have to move away from London, I will never return, not even for a visit).  And if the reason I have to go back home is that my fortunes have faltered, or I’m injured, the government won’t help me — indeed, it feels like they’ll actively work against me to drive me further down.

And to make matters worse, healthwise I’m not doing so good: the ankle I rolled on nearly four years ago is hurting badly again (apparently because I had the temerity to jog barefoot on my own bedroom floor), I’m bunged up with seasonal mucus (with perhaps a cold coming on), and I’m finding it hard to get far below 13st. weight, thanks to the twin evils of chocolate and pizza.  My left wrist has also been hurting lately (no, wash your minds out, it’s due to leaning it on my desk while wearing a Fitbit), all my other joints protest regularly (especially my hips).

And it’s getting cold again, after a mild few days, so I can look forward to coming home to find my room is 14°C (that’s below 60°F, for our American viewers), so I’ll have to use my electric heater to make it even remotely habitable.  And it’s dark in the evenings, and getting dark in the mornings again.

(And I won’t even start on my lack of a girlfriend, less than a year before the big four-oh…)

Last time you’ll remember I went on at length about my PC; I know it’s the geek equivalent of souping up a car, but I like to think it’s marked my gradual improvement over the years, while maintaining the same essential core — I could have replaced everything including the motherboard at great expense, but instead I’ve saved money through piecemeal upgrades.  However, much like my life seemed to be going right but is now facing problems, this contraption’s having all sorts of issues now — and apparently they began back in July.  Why is The Witcher III crashing when I’m so close to the end of this epic?  What causes wmipvrse.exe to crash at startup, but only some of the time, and with no useful error message?  Is it the same thing that causes Word 2013 to crash in the Anniversary Update version of Windows 10 at work, but only when Group Policy updates, and then only some of the time?  That’s a problem I’m supposed to resolve, for three people (four counting a senior member of staff), but I feel like I’m letting the side down, as nothing I’ve tried has worked so far.

But I’m not gonna let all this get me down: if necessary I’ll take St. John’s wort, or even go to counselling again, but I won’t give up on the life I’ve built.  I won’t let my government make me feel like I need to hurry up and fail; instead, I’ll work hard at my job, and hold on tight until April, when I should be getting a small pay rise that ought to cover my landlady’s increase.  I am, after all, lucky that she didn’t impose that increase last year (or worse, two years ago when I was unemployed — then I’d have told London to go f*** itself, and gone back to Worthing without hesitation!), and to her credit, she took British Gas to task for their incompetence in fixing our heating and hot water.

And as per my boss’s advice, I’ll stop worrying so much about my weight — maybe I place too much stock in what Wii Fit Plus tells me to do, and maybe I’m fine as I am (as long as I don’t go completely nuts, of course).  Naturally I want to continue seeing my personal trainer, but this might be tricky in the current climate; I’ll just have to be firm and tell him I’m cutting back a little more, but certainly not stopping entirely — it’s always possible I’ll be earning more than I think in 2017, much as happened in 2012 (and enabled me to pay for that life-changing holiday in America), and that I’ll finally be able to sort out a house to live in, escaping rent forever.

I went through bad depression at the end of 2011, as I’m sure you’re tired of reminding me, but after that my life was better and more hopeful.  I note I’ve started doing something I used to do when I first moved to Finchley, in the dark months of 2012: as the Northern Line emerges from the tunnel south of East Finchley, I see street lights twinkle into view as the trees thin out, and then the white glow of The Old White Lion, a comforting light in the darkness, and a sign that my journey’s nearly over.  This kept me going as I put my head together back then, and it’s helping me now to combat the darkness within.

As $DEITY is my witness, I WILL NOT GIVE UP this close to what might potentially be the best time of my life — no matter what happens!

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One thought on “Into darkness?

  1. Pingback: Pre-Nativity naïveté | Dave-ros Lives!

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