The incot— inconter— incontrovit— can’t-argue-with-it-able fact is that my life is better now than ever before, especially since I started this blog; this manifests itself in two ways.
Firstly, I hardly ever write anything here, as I seldom find my “muse” (or I lose it by the time I get home, and spend ages playing The Witcher III instead). Sorry, I know, but rest assured if I actually post here, it’s about something more significant than complaining about my gears being ground — and I said right at the start that this blog will come to an end once I have truly recovered from depression and sorted my life out, and maybe it’s happening at last.
Secondly, I no longer wish I could “turn back time” (like, ahem, Cher), and can see just how bad things were in the past, instead of viewing them through the lens of nostalgia. I remember this feeling first coming upon me in July 2015, a few days after that particularly bad day, when I joined my fun yoga teacher and some friends on Primrose Hill for his birthday celebration, and despite my life not being particularly great at the time, knew I had potential for improvement and no longer regretted the past.
(Perhaps the cycle I’ve noted before starts in July rather than September?)
Oh, there are times I read my diary in — of all times — January 2012 and think about how much lay ahead of me at that time (like getting a smartphone and going to the western USA); perhaps I’m sending those happy thoughts back in time and keeping myself going through the horror. Certainly, there’s no way I’d go back to my time at Caledonian Road to face all that misery again, even knowing how much better things would get afterwards.
More logically, there have been times I’ve thought fondly of, such as late 2013 — I’m sure I’ve said before how I’d gladly go through that mad Christmas journey home, especially in late 2014 when I was unemployed and hated my situation. However, 2013 also saw massive work being done in our house to do up both bathrooms (which of course led to a rent increase), and that was after three weeks without an Internet connection! Not to mention Schrödinger’s Fridge in 2014… and let’s be honest, I couldn’t go back to working at Camden as an admin boy, after all I’ve been through to escape that life.
Looking further back in time than this blog is no better: aside from Cally Road, I also don’t want to return to the dreadful house we had in Wood Green in 2004-6, and while I had a good year at university in 2003-4, there were also bad aspects, like the half-finished dorm we got moved into near the end, and the stress of my astrophysics course! And before that I was living with my folks in Worthing, which I think speaks for itself: much as I’m grateful for my mother and grandmother taking care of me, I wasn’t happy living there, with no opportunity to do things I enjoyed or meet new people.
What about my undergrad days? Much as I regret not getting a certain girlfriend in the summer of 1997, or finding a way to keep the one girlfriend of my life in September 1998, I still don’t want to go back to those times — the one because that house was COLD in winter (and I really grew to hate my course as well), and the other because, well, aside from having to face two family losses all over again (my grandfather and the dog I grew up with), I feel like I’d lose too much of the knowledge I’ve gained since then.
(Obviously I’d not go any further back than 1997, because I wouldn’t be a vegetarian any more!)
Don’t get me wrong, though: right now things aren’t exactly perfect, as our hot water supply has all but failed, despite four (or possibly five) visits from British Gas and its subsidiaries (yes, I’m naming and shaming again). Tomorrow I’m going to have to call them up and vent my spleen, demanding to know why they haven’t already called us back to arrange another visit, and register an official complaint about how damn long it’s taking, especially since there was no hot water this evening at all!
Of course, I may end up viewing this time with rose-tinted spectacles anyway: not only do I now have a laptop (a castoff from work), on which I’m trying out Linux (I’m considering ditching Windows entirely thanks to Microsoft’s behaviour over 10), but I’m getting dates again, this time with women in their twenties… I’d love to think something good will finally happen to me, but after all the disappointments I’ve had in the past few years, we’ll just have to wait and see.
It certainly never helps if I try to see the future through rose-tinted spectacles, as all too often I forget to actually make things happen…