Loneliness… again

lonely_shinjiThree things made me feel lonely over the Bank Holiday weekend just gone, and two of them conspired to keep me feeling isolated afterwards.

Firstly, “best mate” went off to Amsterdam, and I declined to join him as he was leaving on Friday (though he missed his boat on Friday and travelled on Saturday anyway), deciding instead to spend the long weekend here doing as little as possible.  Thanks to my exact bit of the Northern Line being shut for three days, I had the excuse not to go anywhere in meetup terms, and didn’t even go to the Castle to climb (I can go via bus and Piccadilly Line if the Northern Line is unavailable).  I thus interacted with virtually no-one beyond an occasional shop cashier… but it’s okay, I spent my time playing games and eating junk food — hey, it’s not like I wasted the weekend!

Secondly, it really does look like that young mother in Oxford has stopped responding to me entirely, after cancelling a date in London at short notice two Fridays ago (perhaps I should be grateful she at least told me so, instead of leaving me waiting in Soho for nothing).  The worst part is that I don’t know if she’s simply chosen to break contact, or if something else has gone wrong, such as her phone breaking (again), or depression consuming her.  I think I’d actually be relieved if she’s simply found someone else, as that would feel like I was released from an obligation, but what if she, and other women who “ghost” me when things seem to be going well, are finding out stuff about me that I don’t know about and thus can’t respond to?  Is there some kind of judgemental website for heterosexual women that warns them away from me and other men, based on hearsay?

And finally, something I had to set in motion before the long weekend, but have come to face this week: my boss wants the “new guy” in our team to come and sit in the bosom (uh huh huh etc.) of the team, in a cul-de-sac made of desks, and this has meant me swapping seats with him, out among the lusers muggles normal members of staff.  I’m not a million miles away from the team, and I can still seek their advice if necessary, but it still feels like I’m in exile… ostensibly it’s for a good cause (“new guy” hasn’t been fitting in so far), and I imagine they’ll want me back before too long (“new guy” has very loud sinuses), but it’ll be difficult not being able to turn to one side or the other for advice or humour… and with all I went through on Tuesday, I felt too stressed to go climbing after work.

Although I’ve been better today (Wednesday), and interacted more with people at work (more than “new guy” seems to have done, at any rate), and although I seem to be connecting with women again via that dating app, I still feel relieved to come home and chill out in the evenings.  It’s entirely possible I’m just going through what could be called a “chrysalis phase”, and that I shouldn’t feel obligated to go out, socialise and meet new people if I’m not in the mood, but instead focus on me-time instead — the important thing to remember is that I’m not giving up on socialising, I’m just taking an extended break from it.  This phase is not forever, and I’m not up against a time limit  — or if I am, it ran out in my twenties so there’s no sense worrying.

(The biggest irony, perhaps, is that while I used to compare my “evenings off” to getting Gwar songs in my general music playlist, I haven’t really listened to them in a while… am I saving them for something?)

I’ve got bigger plans for next week that involve socialising again (such as the monthly Japanese meetup — I really hope I get a date out of this one!), but in the meantime hopefully “best mate” will be up for climbing tomorrow, as I’d rather climb with him than some random stranger.  I’m lucky to have him as a friend and a housemate, unlike this time in 2012, when I really was alone and couldn’t spend my non-work time with anyone else… and at least I like my current job, even if it doesn’t always like me — plus, apparently I’ve passed my probation now, so no worries about getting fired abruptly (as long as I don’t somehow destroy everyone’s computers)!

And, best of all, the weather’s getting nice and warm this week, after a long and dismal winter — so if nothing else, I won’t be able to blame any depression and/or anxiety I feel on the cold…


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