My kind of gal

Framegrabs from

MAD Magazine fold-in shoulder blades that sum up my opinion perfectly

I’m still not going to talk about work right now — Monday will be time enough for that — and so tonight I’m going to talk about the other big aspect of my life: finding a woman.

(Suffice it to say, I wish I could go back to women being my biggest life issue!)

I won’t repeat what I said before about the one significant romance of my life being with a girl in Michigan, over 17 years ago, but I will reiterate that I’ve been going on a lot of dates over the past couple of years; perhaps I’ve dated more women than most guys, but almost all of them have been one-offs — and to make matters worse, in all but a handful of cases, I’ve been a bit relieved, because the women in question didn’t feel right.

No, I don’t mean that in the sense of the Groucho Marx quote, “You’re only as old as the woman you feel”, I just mean none of them seemed like the right person for me, either physically or mentally.  Thus I think it’s time I worked out precisely what it is I’m looking for (you know, Law of Attraction and all that), and worked towards a goal.

Ay, there’s the rub… no, wash your minds out, you know perfectly well I didn’t mean that!  Over the years, even my idea of the type of woman I find physically attractive has been challenged: although I always thought I’d be with someone tall, slender and long-haired, I’ve met women with short hair, or glasses, or petit or plus-sized physiques, and have thought “ooh, she’s rather nice” — though of course meeting them as people and not merely beholding them as objects certainly helped in that respect.

It gets even stranger: at one point in my early teens, I felt I would never fancy a black woman, perhaps because the only “women of colour” on British TV at the time were children’s presenter Floella Benjamin (never liked beaded hair) and newsreader Moira Stewart.  Then one day I saw the contraversial Michael Jackon music video “In the Closet“, featuring a certain Naomi Campbell, and thought (words to the effect): she got it goin’ on!  And nowadays I meet black women that I find very attractive; indeed, the ones I’ve liked have all had very dark skin… but then, I’ve long been a lover of dark chocolate, know what I’m sayin’?  I like honies who be eighty-fi’ percent cocoa, awww yeeeaaah!

(Let’s leave aside how I later found out she was a bullying, soulless harridan who couldn’t even write her own book, since my mum likes her on some reality TV show or other…)

Truth be told, I seem to like women from all races, though as I’ve said before, my greatest attraction seems to be for blondes, and also Far Eastern women.  However, it’s more a question of which women find me attractive, and while there was a time I got a lot of attention from Chinese university students (oh, what a burden!), at the moment it seems to be women from the Indian subcontinent.  Hey, I won’t turn down a woman I fancy just because she doesn’t meet some unrealistic ideal of the “perfect woman” — after all, the first girlfriend I ever had (as I’m sure you’re tired of me reiterating) was a petite Hispanic with curves, rather than a statuesque blonde!

Looks are important, because there has to be some kind of physical attraction (hence why I’m also taking care of myself), but personality is essential — as I’ve found recently, it can compensate for physical attributes that might otherwise put me off.  Alas, this would seem to be where I’ve had the most trouble, as although I’ve been on plenty of dates with women I find physically attractive (or could perhaps look past certain flaws), it’s been hard to find those with whom I could have more than a polite chat, or who wouldn’t think I’m “coming on too strong”.  This is why American women have always been my best bet, because (thanks to their nation’s culture) they’re willing to date men they’ve just met, to take compliments on their cuteness, and to kiss on a first date without assuming it means the guy’s a scumbag.

(And no, it’s not my “Briddish accent” they like, I’m sure!)

I’ve had my own theory about being able to talk to people — the notion of “gears meshing” with some people and not with others, which doesn’t mean either party is universally interesting or boring, just that only certain combinations are compatible.  I want to feel happy and interested talking to a woman, but it goes deeper than that: as you know, I’m a strict and unrepentent vegetarian, and while I don’t require a woman to be one too, I find myself hoping to find one who would tolerate my vegetarianism and let me cook for her.  In addition, I hope for someone with strong opinions on politics and morality, perhaps even an intellectual who isn’t just into reality TV, but who is well-read and well-spoken, and thus understands me when I talk right posh, innit?

I would also like to be with someone who is a little wild and unusual, who doesn’t mind me being a nerdy metalhead video gamer (perhaps even being one herself), and might even watch Doctor Who with me… in other words, someone who wouldn’t stand with hands on hips tutting at me for not “growing up”.  Someone who is unashamedly feminine as well, and likes to dress sexy — because although I believe in gender equality, I also believe women have the right to dress “like women” if they’re happy to do so, and that I have the right to appreciate this without feeling like some evil chauvinist (because women shouldn’t be obliged to be feminine, and are of no less value as people if they aren’t).

So, to summarise: although I’m open to suggestion, and not exactly limiting my options, my ideal woman — perhaps my future wife and the mother of my children — would be a tall, slender feminine blonde, intelligent with strong opinions and ethics, but also rebellious and adventurous, and from the USA.  Kind of like… like…


Yeah, that’s about right — the only woman I could ever be with is fictional!

(P.S. Some late news: not to jinx anything by saying too much, but since I began writing this post during the week, I’ve gained more evidence that a woman who has at least spent significant time in the United States would be good for me… she’s even heard of both Kenny Everett and Gwar!)


One thought on “My kind of gal

  1. Pingback: Never gonna give her up | Dave-ros Lives!

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