From famine to feast?


“I am in control of my emotions!!!”

Although the six-month job I finished recently wasn’t strictly IT work, it certainly had IT-ish aspects to it (including being on a helpdesk, even if it was more for bespoke software than general computer problems) — and, more importantly, it enabled me to get control of my emotions (largely through the use of St. John’s wort, recommended to me by a work colleague to whom I probably owe my life), which is helping with two aspects of my life: my desire to get an IT job, and my desire to get a girlfriend.

Remember when I channelled Swiss Tony and said that finding an IT job is like making love to a beautiful woman?  Or, more precisely, I said nearly two years ago that I got my first kiss on the same night I gained an interest in (modern) computers, putting my American roommate’s PC together while he fumed with jealousy because I’d had a date with a cute Hispanic girl.  Well, both aspects now seem to be getting rather intense at the moment, after a long period of futility.  However, in both cases it’s potential rather than actuality: I’m not working multiple IT jobs, and I’m not sleeping with a bevy of beauties, but rather I’ve got several interviews this week and I’m getting asked out once again, as well as connecting to potential dates in other areas as well.

Recently I spoke to my IT mentor (at the agency that found me that six-month job), and he reckoned I’m a lot more cheerful than I was before; mind you, that’s probably because the main difference between now and January is, well, the fact that this isn’t January, and despite today’s rain, the weather’s better than it was in the winter!  In addition, although August is traditionally a time for holidays, I’ve had plenty of calls from recruiters — today alone, indeed, after a quiet Friday, I’ve had two interviews arranged for Tuesday, though I haven’t been sent the details of the first of these, and only know it’s in the Bond Street area!

And similarly, I seem to be meeting more women these days; although someone who asked me out through that site through which I’ve been asked out so many times hasn’t responded to my e-mail response to her initial contact, and another looks like a female version of Colm Meaney (yes, I know, what a mean thing to say, ahahaha), I’ve had more success with (plug alert) Coffee Meets Bagel, and even “connected” today with someone — and got a date with a previous person, though that was unfortunately just a one-off.  I’ve also had a date with someone I met at salsa dancing, and while she may not be the one (but don’t write her off just yet!), the simple fact is that I’m making progress…

(Okay, fine, I’ve had jobs before, but never a long-term relationship with a girl — not even a bad one I wanted to get out of — so where’s the comparison there?  Perhaps jobs I’ve done that weren’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life have been like the periods when I’ve not been actively searching for a girlfriend, rather than being in a “settling” relationship)

Both things are numbers games, aren’t they?  I have to be constantly trying, calling up recruiters and going to social events, and never focusing too much on one potential job or potential date, worrying that I’m aiming too high and that the only job I’ll ever get will be low-paid shift work (or in an all-male IT department where I’m the only non-Muslim and the only non-smoker), and the only dates I get will be with women in their late thirties who I don’t fancy (or cute twentysomethings who I somehow put off me).

Above all, I must let myself believe that I deserve to get a decent IT job and a girlfriend I actually like, and that neither of these things is somehow forbidden solely because I’m “too old” and should somehow settle for whatever crumbs karma gives me.  And the funny thing is, for the first time, I reckon I might actually be in with a shot… is it CBT or Law of Attraction, or is it just me controlling my anxiety through over-the-counter medication and thus not ruining my chances by worrying about ruining my chances?

I really think I should try to meet up with my old work friends tomorrow for lunch, once I’ve endured those two damn work interviews, and thank them for setting me on the right path — it’s astonishing how different my life is now compared to January…

(P.S. Yes, I know I need to write in this blog more often, as there might actually be someone out there who’s reading it and finds my self-indulgent posts about emotions useful — so all right, I’ll try to post more often, thereby completing the “famine to feast” metaphor!  Maybe I’ll finally write about what kind of woman I want… or, more likely, I’ll just go on about Gwar again!)


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