Right, as we enter the second quarter of the year, and indeed a new financial year, I think it’s time for me to be honest with you guys. You’ve been loyal to me since I started this blog, and you’ve earned my respect, so I’m going to admit the truth:
I don’t actually like Gwar — I’ve just been pretending to be a “bohab” in order to be ironic.
Come on now, don’t tell me you guys were taken in by my constant prattlings about a fifth-rate thrash metal band who feel the need to dress up in funny costumes and say swearwords on stage while spraying their audiences with fake bodily fluids in order to be famous? Utter juvenile nonsense, and the fact that they’re still going after more than 25 years proves that American society has utterly lost it. Ironically, they were right with the title of their second album (or was it the third? Who cares) — America must be destroyed, it’s the only thing that can save its people from a mind-numbing idiocracy!
In fact, I’ve given up all hope of ever going to America to live; Britain, which is far more sensible and mature, is the country where I wish to spend my remaining days. I’ve done a lot of growing up recently, and it’s time for me to put away childish things and focus on being an adult; this means doing away with all my video games, Doctor Who DVDs, books about science fiction and fantasy (I mean really, fiction is bad enough, but who reads stories that can’t possibly happen?!) and my entire music collection.
Yes, it’s time for me to grow up and stop listening to such puerile nonsense. Eminem? He’s not a musician, he just talks with music in the background, and the same goes for all those other “rappers”! Classical music? That’s so passé, and harks back to primitive times — and reminds me of Morecambe & Wise, who were so utterly unfunny. The Bee Gees? Now really, why would I like a band that other people don’t like? King Missile? Why would I like a band that other people haven’t heard of? Who am I to go against public opinion?!
Music, like fiction, is for stupid, crass quasi-intellectuals; the news report should be enough for truly mature adults! Never mind mere fancy, all I want is Facts!
Exercise? That’s for little children playing football in the park — I have no need of getting “buff”, because aside from what’s on the inside being what’s important (and I shall soon be a respectable, mature individual without all the foolish naivety that has held me back all these years), I’m no longer interested in attracting women. Why should I put som much emphasis on a simple biological function? A true adult looks beyond ephemeral things like physical appearance and “personality”, whatever that even means. As long as she cooks sufficiently bland food and keeps the house relatively tidy, it makes no difference what we have in common, or even if we interact beyond the bare minimum — an arranged marriage would suffice!
And, finally, I’ve grown up at work and accepted that I don’t want to move on from children’s social services — in fact, rather than take redundancy and go on some fool’s errand to find a job in IT that might not even exist, I’m willingly accepting a demotion to a lower scale, and focusing on tedious archive work — never mind all those reports I used to do! And I’ve even volunteered to work with that nice lady I used to call “annoying”, and perhaps will even have the chance to sit next to her and bask in her cheerful wisdom every day.
And if I still get made redundant, well, no problem, I’ll go back to live with my mother in Worthing — why should I be socialising in London, or exercising in the hope of attracting women, when I can sit at home collecting stamps, doing the gardening, and wondering how far into this post you got before remembering what the date is…?
(Yes, I was lying from the moment I said I respected you guys!)