Okay, this’ll be a quick one (though check back in case I think of anything else in the next couple of days) — instead of making new year’s resolutions to give things up, which traditionally get broken around the 3rd, I’m going to vow to do things during the year ahead:
- Get laid. Yeah, I said it — but it’s true, I need to undergo this “rite of passage” and stop waiting for my future wife to somehow appear in my life and sweep me off my feet, which is stupid. Although I didn’t get lucky in 2013 (which is a pity, as 13 is my lucky number), the fact that I dated six women means I feel optimistic that 2014 will finally be “my” year…
- Get a new job. Well, this one’s been an aspiration for almost as long as no.1, but in 2014, assuming I don’t choke and blow my chances completely, I will finally be able to undertake my unpaid IT work placement and then, hopefully go into something full-time that can pay the bills and not totally stultify me. However, I’m going to try to stay in my job until they make me redundant, which would mean mo’ money to sustain me during the intermission. Annoying woman notwithstanding, of course.
- Get rid of my books. No, I’m not becoming an anti-intellectual — but now I’ve got a phone with a big screen, I’m going to read e-books instead. And if the phone doesn’t work out, I’ll get a cheap Kindle… yes, Kindle, I’m throwing my lot in with Amazon, because even if they screw us as taxpayers, at least they pass the savings on to us as customers! (Starbucks, on the other hand, can go f*** themselves…) Hopefully I can give all my “dead tree” books to Friern Barnet “People’s Library”; it’s certainly better than giving them to a charity shop, where they’ll never get sold (especially the paperbacks). I hope they’ll take all my back issues of Private Eye as well, so I don’t have to recycle them! (Dear Lord Gnome, any chance we might pay to view your mighty organ online, rather than having to manhandle it in the real world?)
- Get buff. Even though my weight’s rebounded to almost 13 stone thanks to Christmas, that’s still a stone less than this time last year, and with the help of my personal torturer (even if he’s got to increase his prices soon), I think I can turn myself into a chiselled hunk of a man. I won’t get the guns out for just anyone, though: only women who agree to help me with no.1 above. (Whaddaya mean, I’ll need a better inducement than that? Obviously I’ll buy them dinner as well!)
- Get better at climbing. I’ve been stuck at 5+ for too long; it’s high time I did some 6a and 6b climbs, isn’t it? It’ll also help with no.4 above, obviously, and perhaps I’ll meet someone to help me with no.1 as well. I also want to help my mother get back into it, so hopefully (if the trains aren’t totally screwed up) she can join me here in London one weekend soon, for a visit to the Castle!
- Get more Gwar. No, don’t groan, you knew this was coming! I’ve got five albums to get before I’m fully up to date, and though I wish I could find the rare live albums like You’re All Worthless and Weak, it looks like I have to settle for the mainstream stuff — War Party, Beyond Hell, Lust in Space, Bloody Pit of Horror and Battle Maximus. At least now I’ll be able to hear Cory Smoot as lead guitarist Flattus Maximus! (Oh great,now I’ve got “Immortal Corrupter” stuck in my head yet again… no, Oderus, it won’t help if you behead me!)
- Get a guitar. Yes, seriously! I’ve enjoyed listening to metal so much that I want to join in — I may not get good enough to jam along with Gwar (see no.6), but if I can play anything intelligible, I’ll be quite pleased with myself. My first milestone will be to play the opening to “New York Mining Disaster 1941” by the Bee Gees; if I can do that without constantly retuning or complaining about calluses, I’ll have passed the test…
- Get a driving licence. I’ve got to study IT for now (see no.2), but once I’m finished with that, and assuming I’m not spending all my free time becoming a rock god (see no.7), I’ll be able to correct a glaring oversight in my skillset. Well, I’ve been living in London for ten years, and before that I was saving all my money for university, so I’ve never had the chance until now — but if I decided to live outside London in the future, and especially in some parts of Surrey, I’ll need to be able to control an internal combustion-driven transportation device to adequate specifications.
- Get in touch with my father. This is something I didn’t even begin to sort out in 2013, but we’ll see if I can do it in 2014. Perhaps I can drive to see him (see no.8), but if not, maybe “best mate” will agree to make a road trip of it, and then take me to the pub afterwards to cry into my cider or whatever when it turns out he wants nothing to do with me, or worse, has gone bald and tells me it’s hereditary.
- Get the hell out of here. Once I know where I’m working (see no.2), I fully intend to move nearer my new workplace — perhaps sharing with “best mate”, if I can help him sort out his own working life. Our landlady’s putting up the rent as a result of doing up both our bathrooms, and what with my problem housemate (really glad I wasn’t here for New Year, judging from what he got up to!), it’ll be good to move on, especially if I’ve got less to transport this time around (see no.3).
Yep, it’s my ten-step programme to a brighter future in 2014 — or, as I call it, “ten gets for a git”! Let’s meet back here in 12 months and see how many I achieved. Of course, if by then I’m an overweight, unemployed, fatherless woman-hating loser, still stuck in this very room and surrounded by piles of paperbacks… well, hopefully I’ll at least be listening to some new Gwar songs and learning the guitar chords?