What am I in danger of becoming?

“A drunk, a pervert, a junkie and a womanizer…”
–Gwar, “The Salaminizer” (Scumdogs of the Universe)

No, that’s not just a gratuitous Gwar reference (though it is, admittedly, partly so): as I change and evolve (belatedly) as a human, and overcome the stagnation I’ve suffered for a good five years, I run the risk of becoming things I’ve hated and criticised in my lifetime.  Let’s go through Oderus Urungus’ list one by one (and be thankful I didn’t use the second version of the chorus)…

  • A drunk: ever since having a drink of cider when meeting a new friend through a dating site last summer (though she seemed to go off me almost as soon as she met me in person), I’ve been trying to “get off the wagon” and learn to drink alcohol again, something I’d barely done since my undergraduate days, and seldom then.  It started out as me just relaxing after climbing, but I’ve had a lot to drink this past year, culminating in getting quite sozzled a number of times during my American trip (though I should have bought my own booze instead of mooching off the others), and so tipsy on champagne at “female best friend’s” wedding that I was swaying, and danced like a lunatic.  Well, it makes a change that I can actually tolerate the taste of alcoholic drinks — and the thought of drinking when everyone else is doing it too — but I’ve got to be careful that I don’t end up an alcoholic, unable to face life without getting a buzz on.  At the very least, I’m going to keep my vow to never, ever drink anything alcoholic out of a can…
  • mcclure_pervertA pervert: now, admittedly I’ve always been a bit like this, as my mother remembers me ogling one of the women from Legs & Co. (a dance troupe who used to “perform” songs on Top of the Pops before music videos were widespread), and my first sexual fantasy as a budding teenager was about Jessica Rabbit (so much for claiming at the time that I found the concept of “sex for pleasure” disgusting, eh?).  However, now I find myself getting on the same Tube carriages as attractive women in summer dresses, and even trying to sit opposite them, if their skirts are particularly short (wait, did I write that or just think it?).  It’s all because I’ve been a “closeted hetero” for all these years and am trying to be more confident and open about the fact that I fancy girls, instead of feeling “ashamed” of myself, but of course I need to rein it in and stop thinking about sex all the time, lest I end up objectifying women.  And I need to get it through my head that objectifying women is inherently wrong, and not just if I get caught doing it!
  • beavis_crappucinoA junkie: okay, so I’ve not started taking illegal narcotics, and have no particular desire to do so, though I kind of wish they hadn’t banned khat in this country, because I would have liked to try it (but, as usual, something gets banned in the UK despite a lack of evidence of harm, purely because us peasants happen to enjoy it and politicians don’t).  On the other hand, I do have an awful lot of caffeine — for many years I’ve described it as “my alcohol”, and although alcohol is now my alcohol (er…), I’m still drinking caffeinated drinks, and relying on my morning cuppa to wake me up.  At least I’m not still buying cans of energy drink, drinking them and sitting in front of EastEnders enjoying the tunnel vision like in 2009, but I do feel disappointment at the Castle when I have a mid-climb snack and realise they’re out of their organic equivalent to Red Bull… maybe I need to get a better sleeping pattern, so I’m not reliant on this biochemical reaction to stay awake.  And yeah, I’ll avoid steroids as well — I’m not that obsessed with bodybuilding!
  • quagmire_womaniserA womaniser: no, I’m using the UK English spelling in the body of this post!  I might as well be honest and state that I’m turning things around at long last: over the past couple of months, I’ve been on a few… well, they could legally be called “dates” under the Trade Descriptions Act, and though none of them has really led to a “spark”, and I’ve left my balls in their courts (ooh, Matron!), still, I’m finally “playing the field” and going out on actual dates with actual women.  Yeah, I’m in that situation the protagonist in a romantic comedy always has (or Frasier in that one episode), going on several dates with different types of women; while none of them has worked out yet, this is nonetheless better than the desolation of my love life up to now.  I’m even finding the courage to go and talk to women I fancy as well — note that the only reason I dated that college girl in Michigan 15 years ago was that I overheard her discussing her subjects with someone, and realised they matched my own, so why not try that again?  However, while “sleeping around”, or even having a (consenting) harem, may appeal to me, I’m still a nice guy and looking for one special girl, with whom I can share my misadventures (and favourite TV), so while I can overcome failure and know it’s not the end, I also need to ensure I don’t waste any opportunities with women who really make me happy, just because I think I might be able to “do better”…

So there you have it: the most worrying thing of all is that I might be getting… normal!  Yes, horrifying a thought though that is, perhaps I’m just getting back to where I should have been five or ten years ago, instead of hiding away and then complaining that I have no friends, and that strange women fail to return my gazes.  But I need to avoid going too far the other way and becoming an alcoholic skirt-chasing (or skirt-flipping?) drug-addled maniac, and hopefully this blog will help me chart a safe course between the Scylla of stupidity and the Charybdis of excessive introvercy, to the Ithaca of (relative) normality and happiness…

What, you thought I’d stop being pretentiously pseudo-intellectual as well?  I’m not getting that normal, buttmunch, that’s why I’m still listening to Gwar — almost no-one else has even heard of them in this country, and it’s nice to have something unique.  They don’t drown out the voices in my head, they make them sing in harmony.  As I said in my post about Eminem, I used to be a prude, but all this vulgar music has helped me lighten up over the years.

And, just to continue the chorus of the opening song: I’ve undergone a lot of personal development since I started this blog, but — I NEED MORE!

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2 thoughts on “What am I in danger of becoming?

  1. Pingback: On into 2014 | Dave-ros Lives!

  2. Pingback: What do I really want? | Dave-ros Lives!

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