“The genius of the hole: no matter how long you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant.”
—Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne
Today I felt worse than, perhaps, ever in my entire life: I’ve never gone off at work and cried like this before, and I feel no hope that things will get any better — if anything, this will only make things worse for me overall, like an endless spiral. Maybe I’m just suffering from a kind of malnutrition (I’ve been eating a lot of protein lately, and probably not enough carbs to offset it) — I certainly hope so, as I can’t possibly survive feeling like this…
This follows a period of relative optimism: although last week was terrible at work, it was fine in my personal life, as not only was the weather spectacular, but I met, or thought I met, two potential girlfriends on Friday and Saturday. The first, who happened to attend a vegetarian meetup instead of the opera, was someone I could talk to, and wasn’t hung up on age (mine or hers); she said “we shall see” when I asked if she fancied doing something some time, but thus far she hasn’t responded to my message through the Meetup.com website. I’ve seen her on Facebook, but I daren’t add her in case I scare her off entirely. The other was at a sci-fi meetup on Saturday, and who, like me, had had trouble getting to the venue due to the Northern Line being shut; she seemed to like me, and we spoke for ages, but even though we left at the same time, she went home a different way, somewhat abruptly…
On Sunday I did basically nothing social, passing up the chance to go with “best mate” and his friend from Surrey to a beach in order to concentrate on my IT studies. These would have gone better if not for what I can only assume is a deliberate trap regarding setting up a dial-up connection in Windows 7, but at least I was getting through the material, and I felt like I was making progress.
And then came Monday… we all hate them (at least we do if we work full-time), but somehow I began brooding on the morning Tube train, and by the time I’d reached work I was in a very introverted mood, which only got worse as the morning progressed. Fortunately my supervisor appreciated my low mood and rearranged my supervision session, but that was only a small consolation. And yes, the annoying woman made me feel even worse by not SHUTTING UP the entire time!
Somehow I made it through the day without needing to be excused and come home; although still unhappy when I arrived, I figured: maybe someone’s written to me through a dating site… but no, the girl from Saturday had actually left the group entirely, and bits and pieces that occur to me from our parting that night make me believe it’s my fault, and she’s avoiding me. Of course, she could have been kidnapped by some global conspiracy to stop me ever getting a girlfriend (who also tidied up her Meetup.com group membership), but that’s hardly likely… is it?
But wait, it gets worse: remember I was chatting through a dating site to a girl with bipolar disorder, and empathising with her? Well, today I described my emotional state to her as being bipolar, and she responded by saying she didn’t want to play “mind games”, urging me to get professional help, and blocking me. Now I’m really down, because I wasn’t trying to get a date with her, I just wanted a friend… and now my depression has driven someone away who could have been really beneficial to me. As a result, I’ve barely been able to eat anything for dinner this evening (pretty much forced down bread rolls), and I’m feeling listless.
I’m truly scared that I might always be alone — that all my friends will carry on with their happy lives, and I’ll just disappear forever. I don’t want that, and I’m determined to get through this depressive phase no matter what it takes, without contemplating suicide (throwing myself into work helped today, just a little), but it’s one of those days where it seems I’m truly condemned to a life of enforced solitude, because the more I struggle against it, and the better I think I’m doing, the worse the inevitable fall is.
The problem, though, is that I don’t want to be diagnosed as clinically depressed, or bipolar, because then there’s no excuse but to take mind-altering drugs to “even me out”, and then I worry I’ll go from being a person to “a productive member of society”. I don’t want that — although I want to change and become a different person, I don’t want that person to be a dull automaton — but what alternative do I have?
Still, one piece of optimism I’ve gained recently is simply that “things look better in the morning” — so I’ll wait until tomorrow before I try anything drastic, such as asking for a doctor’s appointment or phoning the work counsellor again. Plus, I’ve got yoga again after work, although I don’t want “American girl” to find out how I’m feeling in case I drive her away as well. No, I’m not holding out some forlorn hope that she’s going to choose me over her boyfriend, but I’m happy to have her as a quasi-sister, and she’s the one person left in my immediate life who makes me not want to stop being a “nice guy” and become some kind of womaniser instead. And I don’t want to depend on her either, so I have to get through this on my own.
Don’t worry, dear readers: I feel a bit better just talking about this stuff here (I also posted incoherently at that forum I was on about before, only to be told that I’m “lucky” not to have had to endure a relationship before — that’d be fine if I was sleeping around, but I’m not!), and I’m sure I’ll survive tonight, and not feel so loathsome tomorrow morning. I just wish I had something more positive to report than that…