It’s a broke day, but everything’s OK;
I’m up all night, but everything’s all right;
It’s a rough week, and I don’t get enough sleep;
It’s a long year, pretendin’ I belong here
— Eminem & Eye-Kyu, “It’s OK” (Infinite EP)
Lately I’ve felt something far different than my usual pessimistic outlook. Optimistic? No, not that far from pessimistic… unpessimistic? Yes, that’ll do — a strange sense of unpessimism pervades my days, and I start wondering how I ever got so glum (though like I said, too many salty peanuts and not enough going out climbing). This, plus a pledge to my mother that I’m not going to give up trying to find happiness in my life (so that she can live vicariously through me, which is after all the purpose of having children), is what makes me hopeful that I won’t end up spiralling into depression despite the miserable, dark nights and the drudgery of my job.
Actually, something at work made me wonder today: I almost thought I was downward bound again, but then it all turned out all right. I was on my way to the other side of the office (it’s actually two basement “units” with part of the dividing wall knocked through) to ask my friend, a truly impressive worker who single-handedly keeps our service running, if he could help out with an annoying system problem; I’d actually told my boss I shouldn’t be bothering this guy with the problem in question, but the lady who’s supposed to deal with it was off today, so it fell to my friend instead.
However, when I got to his side of the office, I saw my friend was just picking up his phone; I said something to the effect of “sorry, you’re on the phone” and started to back away, but he put his phone down and had very strong words with me about interrupting his phone call, and even took me back to my side of the office (right in front of my boss) to do so! He wasn’t even shouting or spitting with rage, just very vehement that I shouldn’t do this kind of thing…
There I was, wondering if I’d just lost a friend — not thinking I’d done something wrong, because I knew I couldn’t have known he’d have to put the phone down on someone he’d just called (presumably he was ringing on speakerphone?) when I’d already seen he was busy, but wondering if he was going to make a formal complaint about me, to which I’d have to respond with a counter-complaint… but then he came over to apologise for flying off the handle, and we’re friends again. Phew!
My boss later took me aside regarding this matter, not to tell me off (for a change!) but to ask for my understanding, as this guy’s magnificent work leaves him highly strung, and his seat is right next to a main thoroughfare in the office, so everyone passes by him sooner or later (either coming in, going out, visiting the kitchenette, going to the meeting room…). I know I need to cut back on making smart-alec comments every time I walk past him (such as “oi, [surname], get back to work!” when he’s working really hard): I can be really annoying when I’m trying to be funny, and although it’s better than my depressive phases when I won’t talk to anyone, what I need is somewhere between the two (but closer to the manic side, obviously).
So there you go, crisis averted — and I’m not brooding or anything, this blog serves as a cathartic outlet (no, I won’t stop using the word “cathartic”, stop criticising my writing style!), so I won’t drone on about this incident again. All that matters is that I’m doing an awful lot better than I was this time last year, and although the anniversary of “Twelve-Twelve” still lies ahead, I repeat: I an unpessimistic about what lies ahead!
Now I just need to figure out how to fix a hardware problem with my mother’s computer from 100 miles away…