What really grinds my gears

F**k you, America!

Peter Griffin, from Fox’s “Family Guy”

Don’t worry, I’m still alive — just been busy the past few days, with things like Wicked and, er, all those other things I do.  And today, to counteract some of the seriousness from my last post, here’s some general grumbling about relatively trivial things, which I’m sure absolutely no other fan of Family Guy has ever used in their blog ever in the entire history of the Interthingy.

Okay, so here’s what’s really been grinding my gears recently:

  • My local Royal Mail depot (yes, apparently it’s different to the Post Office, and when I complained to the Post Office website, they redirected me to the Royal Mail website, who so far haven’t responded).  Not only did they not tell me in July that I’d received a package until they were about to send it back (yes, sometimes even putting a card through a door without ringing the doorbell is too much effort for a postie), but during this week they actually held a package for me, which could have gone through our letterbox fine, because they’d rubber-banded it to a larger package that was for one of my housemates — and they didn’t even realise, and let me pick up both at the same time, because they thought it was one package!  My housemate is lucky I’m so trustworthy, because if I was a crook she wouldn’t have gotten her, er, skirt…
  • People who walk slowly down the middle of a corridor, staircase, pavement/sidewalk etc.  If you’re going to walk slowly, do it at the side, slowpoke!  And don’t make me say “excuse me” two or three times before getting out of the way, and certainly don’t say “…please?”, as though “excuse me” isn’t in and of itself polite enough for your entitled self!  What do you expect me to do, wait an extra six minutes for a Northern Line train for the High Barnet branch?  Yeah, right, now shift over!
  • And while we’re on the subject, the London Underground itself.  For the love of $DEITY, change that annoying, smug woman’s “musical” voice.  “The TRAIN NOW appROACHing…”  Bring back the boring bloke saying “Mind… the gap.”, I say.
  • And while we’re still on the subject, the London Underground closing important parts of Tube lines when I personally need to use them at weekends.  I can’t visit my folks this weekend because not only is the Victoria Line closed (no, Transport for London, leaving a couple of bits open at one end doesn’t make it a “part closure” — no-one in Walthamstow uses the Tube anyway, they just ride around in their lolos with their bass pounding!), but so is the exact bit of the Northern Line that runs near my house.  I had enough of getting the bus over to Golders Green (grim place) when I first moved to Finchley, don’t start that nonsense again!
  • The fact that the only hits my blog’s been getting recently have been some bloke in America looking for the phrase “puking pumpkin” (hence I removed that image from my early post — I don’t want the “wrong” sort of hits here… but will get them now I’ve used the phrase “puking pumpkin” twice in this paragraph!).  Come on, I poured my heart out, the least you could do is read my self-indulgence!
  • Black cab drivers.  No, lamewad, I don’t mean cabbies who are black (why would I be racist, I hate all the peoples of the world equally!), I mean of course drivers of official London black cab taxis.  Twice I’ve nearly been run over when they’ve decided to coast through a red light (as in, the “green man” was already out, so I was entirely allowed to cross), and it wasn’t because they’d have been stuck in a junction otherwise — just a straight road up to the traffic lights.  They obviously decided not to slow down when the light went yellow, so that by the time it was red they could claim “I was going too fast to brake safely”.  Who are you kidding?  It almost makes me glad to be taking the Tube instead of walking to and from work!
  • The code for this blog’s “new post” entry box.  So I hit a wrong button and change a paragraph into Heading 3 format, and suddenly not only can I not change it back, but it’s messed everything else up as well!  Thank $DEITY it’s got an undo button…
  • Go Compare’s current series of adverts, in which opera singer Gio Comparo gets beaten up, blown up etc. by “celebs” I don’t even recognise.  Oh, so you acknowledge that people find the “Go Compaaare!” song annoying, but you can’t bring yourselves to get rid of him entirely, in case people actually want him back?!  Stop hedging your bets, you know perfectly well that whichever choice you make will annoy someone, but choosing neither option will only annoy everyone, by which I mean me personally!!
  • I have one thing to say to January and February: kill yourselves.  Seriously, if you’re reading, do.  There is absolutely nothing remotely good or beneficial about you… oh, okay, February 14th, the anniversary of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, but other than that, nothing!  Just stop existing and let us start Spring a bit early.  Or allow humans to hibernate.
  • The weather.  Stop being rubbish!  I don’t care about the laws of physics, or the Earth’s axal tilt at this point in its orbit around the Sun, just be unseasonably nice instead!!!
  • GPS.  Start working indoors, dammit!  I can’t get a proper positioning signal in my basement office, which forces me to know where I am in relation to everything else intellectually rather than being able to rely on my smartphone!  And even when I’m at home, it keeps putting me half a mile to the west for no reason.  Oh, there’s a military base nearby and so GPS has to be rendered less accurate for security purposes?  Well then, make ’em MOVE!!!!!!1

Right, that’s all I can think of for now; tune in next time for more first-world problems and FMLs.  Or perhaps I’ll have something genuinely angry and soapbox-y to say about something, rather than this collection of “Dr. McCoy in a good mood” grumbles.  Good night, America.

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